Rated: PG-13 | Runtime 106 | AKA: Contagion
Video Jerks Customer
REVIEW: Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. They did it all wrong. How can Hollywood mess up a pandemic? I mean, where do they get the nerds who make this crap?
Iím sure you can tell right off the bat that I didnít care much for, "Contagion". This film is the Obamacare of disaster movies. By that I mean, a disaster from start to finish. Whatís wrong with it you ask? Let me break it down.
- TOO MUCH TALKING. These pencil necks just walk and talk all the time. If they arenít talking, then they are writing a bunch of useless stuff on a whiteboard. If I wanted to see the inside of classroom, Iíd break into the elementary school down the block.
- Matt Damon is a total P*#@y. He basically spends the whole movie in his house. Heís IMMUNE. This is when you start taking over. Start making up rules and laws how you want it to be. He doesnít even have a gun until halfway through the movie. If I had been Matt Damon (heaven forbid, that kid is so liberal he probably calls his congressman before he wipes his butt) I would have been armed to the teeth with all kinds of weaponry. Not just guns. I would have started digging a moat around my house and I would have filled it with water, sharpened sticks and feces. Trust me, no hooded creeps from down the block are going to break in the Casa del Swanson looking for medical supplies and food. I would also grab a bottle of Gorilla Glue and coat all my windowsills with broken glass, screws and nails. I would also ladle some of that moat juice onto that, for an extra surprise.
- When did Kate Winslet stop getting naked in movies? For a while there, it was a given I was going to see at least some boobs if her name was on the poster.
- Where was the President? They mentioned in the movie that he was in "hiding" (big surprise). They should have had a few scenes with him at least. He could be on the other side of a big door, telling sick people that they canít come in, while his kids are starving to death because his wife only lets them eat carrots.
- Nobody in the CDC accidentally cuts himself with a broken beaker. Thatís a classic scene in these kinds of movies. Just watch that guy in "Outbreak". Thatís how itís done.
- Totally underused Elliot Gould. Heís a star, and a national treasure. Letís treat him as such.
Am I saying I could have made a better movie that "Contagion"? Yes, I am. I will concede that when they take off Gwyneth Paltrowís skullcap, I puke-burped. That part I did like.
I give "Contagion" a ring finger and a pinkie.
Jock Swansonís favorite movie is "Losiní It" (1983). Video Jerks keeps a copy on hand for him at all times. He also wanted to pass along that even though he refers to his house as "Casa Del Swanson", he is not Hispanic, although he admires the people of Latin America greatly.