The Road (2009)

Directed by:
John Hillcoat
Scot McFadyen

Written by:
Cormac McCarthy
Joe Penhall

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Rated: R | Runtime 111 | AKA: The Road

Jock Swanson
Video Jerks Customer

REVIEW: I’m gonna call a duck a duck and let you readers know right up front that I didn’t like this movie one damn bit (pardon my French).

When I saw the case for "The Road" in the "The World Has Gone to Hell in a Handbasket" section at Video Jerks, I was excited. Post apocalyptic movies are my third favorite genre next to stories about 9/11 and teenage boys trying to lose their virginity. Just one look at the cover and I could tell that I was in for a quite a barn burner with "The Road"

What are my problems with "The Road"? For starters, it’s flippin’ boring. There are whole parts of the movie where the man (Viggo Mortensen, a guy whose politics I can’t stand, but I really liked him in "Hidalgo", so I cut him some slack for being a socialist) just wanders around doing nothing. Ugh, how boring. The Boy (Kodi Smit-McPhee) whined all the time. If I had made this movie, I would have made the boy a dog that could talk, just like in "A Boy and His Dog".

They never explain how the apocalypse happened. I feel that was a really big missed opportunity. The film should have started with people getting fried by nuclear bombs and chaos and the White House exploding.

There were some roving bands of cannibals in the movie. That was cool. I think they should have made them look meaner. They could have had some football shoulder pads spray-painted black or had some necklaces made of bones.

Charlize Theron was in the movie too, but she never got naked, so that was dumb.

I also think that calling the movie, "The Road" was dumb. I know they walk on a road a lot, but when I hear "The Road", the first thing that comes to mind is --CARS. Nobody had a single working car. I know that one of the problems with the apocalypse is that gas is hard to find, that’s why smart directors come up with new ways for cars to run, like steam power or solar power. Without cars, the title "The Road" is deceptive. This is like when I rented "Barbarians at the Gate".

I give this movie one thumb and a star.

Jock Swanson teaches ‘Paintball Battle Tactics’ at Harold Community College. He is a long-time Video Jerks customer.

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