Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

Directed by:
Nicholas Meyer

Written by:
Gene Roddenberry
Harve Bennett
Jack B. Sowards
Samuel A. Peeples
Nicholas Meyer

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Rated: PG | Runtime 113 | AKA: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Ricky Spinks
Video Jerks Customer

REVIEW: Let me start off by saying that I'm NOT a Star Trek nerd. If there's anything I'm a nerd for it's weed and pussy.

And coke. I'll admit it. I like to party. It's not a thing. Not even a little bit. Who cares.

Anyway, I saw this movie on youtube's recommendation. After seeing countless poops using the famous "KAAAHHHN" scene (as well as TV Carnage's shit-pantsing take on it; not to mention it's cameo appearance in the most recent Everything Is Terrible feature Outer Spacey Wacey: A 420-Friendly Odyssey [which I liked despite the bad taste in my mouth I got after getting into a screaming match with my buddies who stupidly took the subtitle at face value and got stoned during it; sorry but I could tell the filmmakers were being ironic and I respect irony too much to actually smoke pot during the movie. I stuck to my default mode dropping a little acid into my beer. Turns out I'm a mean cid-head, sorry bros]).

So to set the scene: I was at Harold Michigan's own Facetime movie theater. That's the Facetime Theater, F-A-C-E-T-I-M-E ~ T-H-E-A-T-E-R. You know, the same Facetime Theater that does Rocky Horror once a month? The same Facetime Theater that does sing-a-long Sophie's Choice? The same Facetime Theater that does The Room hosted by Tommy Wiseau (Which I got news for you - That's not even the real Tommy Wiseau. More on this in my upcoming "Room" review). So imagine my dismay when me and my genuinely hilarious friends show up to The Wrath of Kahn and are greeted with scowls from who we thought were dashing, like-minded fun-lovers like ourselves. No, we were meet with an audience made up of civilians who were actually taking this stupid movie completely seriously.

I'll accept a little blame here. I misread the crowd. I'm not blaming the coke I was on, since it tends to only makes me more awesome (especially when I drive - coke-driving since 2007 and never been in a single accident). Sue me, when that older couple in costume told me they were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary I took it as a completely hilarious joke and laughed in their faces. That's on me. And I can see some people being on the fence about my awesome Kirstie Alley jokes. But when I ran up to the front of the theater and did my own rendition of the famous KAHN scene? Where I did, and I'm not shitting you, a full minute-long "KAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHN"? I can't blame anyone but the audience for not liking that one. I mean, I kept it going even though my nose started bleeding almost immediately. If you can't appreciate that kind of commitment, I don't care to know you.

But most of the fault belongs to the mother-fucking theater. I don't do stand-up, but I am a funny mother fucker. I consider this place to be kind of my stage, as it has been for so long. I feel like the theater set me up for a fall here. I mean, what am I supposed to think when I see a movie at the same theater that posted the "Shoah Drinking Game" on their myspace page. I mean, fuck, they still use myspace! That's hilarious. But, hilarity notwithstanding, if they're going to just show movies we're meant to sit silently and enjoy without making fun of them, they should change the name of the place to the Facetime Grade School. What's next? Raising our hand to go to the bathroom? No thanks, I prefer to bump up in my seat.

If these Star Trek movies are all this dumb, I guess I'll just be watching them in my house. But I'd have to get a TV for that. Somebody call me if it ever shows up on youtube.

Ricky Spinks self-publishes the DSQ (Debonair Scoundrel Quarterly) on a bi-yearly schedule. He is technically not a Video Jerks member, but claims to be friends with many of it's employees. He occasionally comes in with friends to laugh at the "stupid old tapes" they carry.

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